Plants, like vampires, should not sparkle. Actually, most things in nature shouldn’t sparkle, save for gemstones and the reflection of sunlight on water, glass and CDs.

I just purchased a dieffenbachia (Dieffenbachia sp.) for my office cubicle, because I’m addicted to plants and prefer to be surrounded by foliage at all times, if possible. Also, my little arrowhead vine (Syngonium sp.) was getting lonely. To my dismay, as I toted it up to the office I noticed a bunch of silver and red sparkles sprinkled all over its otherwise lovely broad leaves. I washed them off immediately upon returning to my desk, and the plant doesn’t appear to have suffered any ill effects from them. I’m guessing that the sparkles weren’t intentionally applied to this particular plant – judging by the layer of dust on the leaves, it seems more likely that they fell off some other plants (probably those nefariously sparkly Christmas poinsettias – more on them in a minute). And if these sparkles were intentional, the applicant certainly made a bad choice, as they looked pretty awful against the green and yellowish-white variegated leaves.

Much to my chagrin, some people clearly do not agree with my preference of keeping plants in their natural, unadorned state. Probably the worst offenders are the aforementioned purveyors of poinsettias during the Christmas season. It seems almost a requirement for these poor plants to be hosed down with glitter and festooned with garish ribbons before being trotted out on display in various shopping centres and office buildings. Yes, I know shiny things are part of the festive season, but let’s keep the sparkles on inorganic matter only, shall we?

Plants “breathe” through pore (stomata) on their leaves. As such, the leaves need to be free of dirt, dust and other foreign material (ie. sparkles) in order to respire. Though humans may only end up with pimples if their pores are clogged, a plant with clogged stomata will end up dead, or at least seriously unhealthy – especially since the sparkles are often applied with an aerosol spray that leaves other toxic substances on the leaves. So please, save the sparkles for your kids’ arts and crafts time, and keep them off the plants.

Granted, glitter is certainly not the worst thing you can put on your plant, and most of those Christmas poinsettias will probably be dead of neglect long before they choke to death on sparkles. In my years as an avid houseplant grower, I’ve read several accounts of people “shining” their plants’ leaves with various substances, ranging from the seemingly harmless (mayonnaise, beer and baby shampoo) to the downright toxic (commercial varnishes). I admit that I take some perverse pleasure in reading the frantic gardening forum comments of people who can’t understand why their newly lacquered plants are suddenly keeling over.

While leaf shiners may have the short term effect of making the plant look all lustrous and shiny, the long term effects are probably going to be less than desirable. Clogged stomata could result in a dead plant – and just think how much more dust (and bugs and dirt and animal fur) is going to get stuck to the leaves if they’re coated with condiments.

Plant health hazards aside, a sparkly and/or artificially shiny plant just looks wrong. On a purely aesthetic level, plants look their best in their completely natural state. So do humans, for that matter – but that’s a path I’m not going to tread at this point in time. If you clean your plants with warm water and a washcloth only, I promise they won’t die.

If you want your plant to look fake, buy a fake plant. Save the mayo for the lettuce on your tuna sandwich.